Previously - There was a ship. The usual fun and games. Ebony’s a bitch because Mom does crack. Heather has a condition. Victoria’s smart and prone to seasickness. Lisa’s a pole dancer. Mila’s too happy. Tyra got a faux bikini wax. And so forth….

Was Gossip Girl a howl or what? Those are some dramatic 30-year-old teenagers! Oh, yeah, “ANTM”. Mila’s saying how cool this all is and how it’s the “perfect opportunity” for her. No one’s this happy. Behind that smile is either a raving bitch, or a supermarket hostage taker. The girls are back in L.A. Lisa was in foster care for six years and stop making the foster care system look like it leads to pole dancing, They meet up with Mr. Jay in some mall-type area catering to fashion. They are led to their new vehicle, which is a mini-bus that’s a 100% BioDiesel. That’s nice and all, but you some of those girls are like “where’s the damn limo”? Mr. Jay informs us that Tyra wants to call attention to “the environment” and that “Top Model is going green”. Sweet. If Tyra’s dumb show can single-handedly prevent New York from flooding and India from having hail, and Russian tankers washing up next to libraries like I saw in that kickass movie, I’m impressed.

Read this week’s full “America’s Next Top Model” recap at Recapist.

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