• David Beckham has trouble doing his six-year-old’s math homework. Which explains why he’s convinced that he’s married to a twenty-something.
• Britney Spears reportedly had another yak attack, and was then carried out of the bar “sobbing and covered in sick.” Nice!
• Lindsay Lohan’s new boytoy is quite the catch! If by “catch” you mean […]

• Miss USA came, she fell, and she lost. Badly.
• Reactions to Lindsay’s second stint in rehab: “Lindsay Lohan has finally seen the light—and all it took was video footage of her doing cocaine, a DUI arrest, and photos of her puking on the sidewalk.”
• Michelle Williams totally has that “Brooklyn Hipster Who Sleeps With […]

• Justin Timberlake is apparently “in love” with Jessica Biel. Probably because she has an inordinately large ass heart.
• Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich and his wife give birth to future douche, Bryce Thadeus Ulrich-Nielsen.
• A year ago in gossip, everything was…exactly the same.
• Lindsay Lohan has announced plans to start working on new urban crap […]

• Rose McGowan confuses “Cinema for AIDS” benefit with her “Slutty Mermaids Anonymous” meeting.
• Howard Stern admits to having twice contemplated suicide. Experts say his unequivocally annoying girlfriend, Beth Ostrosky, is to blame.
• Sarah Jessica Parker launches her new affordable clothing line, Bitten. Carrie Bradshaw would never have approved.
• Nicole Richie is surprisingly funny, surprisingly […]

• Amy Winehouse’s hideous beehive hairdo momentarily distracts us from her lack of dental hygiene.
• Trannies and Madonna’s brother join forces to denounce Britney Spears’ comeback, ratty hair extensions.
• Mischa Barton is high on life. And, apparently, marijuana.
• Jessica Alba has a brush with the law. Unfortunately, she’s not a good enough actress to cry […]

• Sometimes, when Demi and Ashton are feeling really crazy, they sit down to play a three hour long game of Mexican dominoes. Ole!
• A tipsy Paula Abdul slurs out an explanation for yesterday’s nose-breaking tumble
• Sharon Stone is the wine-guzzling, fake-titted mother you never had—or particularly wanted.
• Jennifer Garner continues to be outshined by […]

• Pam Anderson is a first class flier. If by “first class” you mean Stripperella.

• Finally, an explanation for why Val Kilmer gives everyone the heebie-jeebies.

• Mischa Barton leaves little to the imagination; proves she truly was too classy for the likes of The O.C.

• We want the number of Britney Spears’ fake hairstylist. And no, it’s not because we want to schedule an appointment.

• Adam Sandler, in Big Daddy the sequel. Thankfully, in this version the kid is toilet-trained.

• Perez is claiming John Mayer and Jessica Simpson have called their inexplicable relationship quits.

• Pam Anderson is a first class flier. If by “first class” you mean Stripperella.
• Finally, an explanation for why Val Kilmer gives everyone the heebie-jeebies.
• Mischa Barton leaves little to the imagination; proves she truly was too classy for the likes of The O.C.
• We want the number of Britney Spears’ fake hairstylist. […]

• Choose Hillary Clinton’s new campaign song. (Our money’s on Notorious B.I.G.’s “Big Booty Ho’s.”)

• McDonald’s employee hides his stash of pot in a Happy Meal. Then accidentally distributes it and loses his McJob.

• Meg Ryan goes shopping with her daughter, makes us nostalgic for the days of shag haircuts and “I’ll have what she’s having.”

• Large breasted reality “star” attempts to land herself a husband by standing in London’s Leicester Square, naked save for a strategically placed white belt, clutching a bridal bouquet.

• Britney Spears remembers to wear a bra; forgets to wear a non-transparent blouse.

• Bono and Nicholas Cage have never looked so…heavenly!

&bul; Ewan McGregor needs lots of jock support.

• Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson to join forces on overbudgeted Hollywood extravaganza.

• For Vanessa Minnillo, hanging out with boyfriend Nick Lachey is no day at the beach.

• David Hasselhoff is really sorry that he got drunk and lost custody of his daughter devoured a hamburger without pausing to grab utensils.