• Kelly Clarkson may be chubby. Then again, maybe she’s freakishly normal and society has warped our innocent littel minds with its impossible standards of weight and beauty. Either way, her music sucks.

• Lindsay Lohan’s accidentally exposes her right nipple after her new boyfriend intentionally gropes her giant breasts.

• Christina Ricci got into character for Black Snake Moan by prancing around in the buff and looking seductively at Justin Timberlake.

• The reviews are in, and Waitress just may be the best only thing that’s happened to Kerri Russell since Felicity.

• Jessica Alba, bringing wet-sand-sticking-to-her-ass back.

On today’s Friday edition of Cable Quotables, Intern Wendy unearths another round of unintentionally comedic gems and reminds us exactly why it is we’re (not) paying her. And, as usual, we’ve come away from this whole process learning a little something. Like the number of elementary school beatings Bill O’Reilly and Dennis Miller endured, Joe Scarborough’s innermost longings and Nancy Grace’s new fad diet.

• “I was the dopiest kid in the world, and you were probably just a cut above me and you know it.” Bill O’Reilly, challenging Dennis Miller to an “Uncoolness Contest,” The O’Reilly Factor, May 9

• “If there’s one thing I hate more than a terrorist, it’s a whiny terrorist.” Dennis Miller, who wants only “perky” Jihadists, The O’Reilly Factor, May 9

• “He shot a man.” Tucker Carlson, on how Dick Cheney is like 50 Cent, Tucker, May 9

• “Yes, boy, I was concerned about her taking off her clothes in public.” Joe Scarborough, who would rather Lindsay Lohan offered to strip for him in private, Scarborough Country, May 9

• “I’m especially interested in the food aspect. Why is the food terrible?” Nancy Grace, contemplating embarking on Paris Hilton’s prison diet, Nancy Grace, May 9

• Random British exhibitionist Gemma Atkinson’s steals Britney’s coveted neckbrace look

• Before she was sentenced to 45 days in prison, Paris Hilton was appreciating life’s simple pleasures. Like eating corn on the cob with a total stranger.

• Not even Jennifer Boobs Love Hewitt looks hot just moments after stepping off the plane.

• Jumpin’ Joe Francis to possibly rejoin his prison boyfriend only moments after saying goodbye.

• Sting and his wife reportedly fired their personal chef…for getting knocked up. The creator of tantra would never approve!

• Katie Couric might be striking out at CBS. But she’s bowling strikes in the battle against colon cancer!

• Who would’ve thought that prissy Brit, Tim Roth, could play “a vicious mercenary who becomes even stronger than the Hulk.”

• What better way to spend your Wednesday afternoon than by taking a look at the Olsens’ former noses?!

• This girl’s not even D-List yet. But we’d still rather see her in a gold bikini than Kathy Griffin any day.

• The irrelevant David Gest can’t wait to tongue-kiss Amy Winehouse’s Stage 1 melanoma.

• Paul Rudd wins our hearts as “Wasted Rocker Guy” on Veronica Mars. We’re kidding, of course. He had us at “what-ever!”

• OJ Simpson cites racism as the reason for his being booted from an upscale Kentucky steakhouse. “Yeah, racism,” sniffed the maitre d’. “That and double homicide.”

• Because pee-wee violence suddenly becomes okay when it’s set to the music of System of a Down.

• Jamie-Lynn Sigler admits she “hated every moment” of pop stardom. Don’t worry, Jamie. So did we.

• Chapter 2 from Carmen Electra’s guide to being sexy: “Breast implants are an Ugly Girl’s best friend.”

• As Paris Hilton said herself, “I don’t read things, I just sign them.” Which explains the grammatically sound, eloquent plea she’s just released—through her attorney, of course.

• Star Jones dry-humping her gay husband wins the “Most Disturbing Image Of The Day” award.

• Eva Longoria and Jessica Simpson pretend to be lesbian lovers. Which would’ve been hotter if Jess hadn’t accidentally dressed up as a tranny. Again.

• Despite wearing designer duds to the Costume Institute Gala, Lindsay Lohan nevertheless finds a way to show side-boob. The bad kind.

• Meanwhile, ScarJo borrows Britney Spears’ stylist, pairs slutty mini-frock with fishnets.

• And the evening’s surprise success story? Marc Jacobs. Who would have thought alcoholism, rehab and contact lenses could have such an impact?

• Marilyn Manson’s new video “may be inappropriate for viewers under the age of 16.” Fortunately for Manson, girlfriend Evan Rachel Wood is a ripe ol’ 17!

• In addition to showing some unflattering side-boob, Kirsten Dunst also has the posture of an 85 year-old man. With osteoporosis.

• Justin bumps into Cameron Diaz at the premiere of Shrek 3; questions his decision to dump her over Jessica Biel’s posterior.

• Jessica Simpson dresses up as a drag queen, her orange speckled skin has never looked a prettier shade of “burnt sienna.”

• In case you ever wondered, Thomas Hayden Church and in his wife have an amazing sex life. Says Thomas, “I always look forward to making love to her.”

• Check out these sizzling pics of Kendra Wilkinson in her bikini. Then remind yourself that she has to go home to the horny—but impotent—Hugh Hefner.