I’m thinking she should have debuted the video at the VMA’s instead of performing. Your thoughts on the video.

A dog and a frappucino shouldn’t be substitutes for your babies, Daisy Mae! I would like to wholeheartedly apologize for the Britney overload. We’re just trying to do our jobs. There has to be a paper trail for whenever this reaches the sad climax. Hopefully the sad climax is her hitting bottom and getting herself some help. But we all know it’s going to be a tanning bed overdose and a really tacky funeral with a lot of pink and mourners in Juicy sweatsuits with visible whale tails. Hey ya’ll, welcomes to my wake! Enjoy the pigs in blankets! The county commissioner is stepping up the demands on Britney Spears. Did you know she SLEPT THROUGH the drug tests she was supposed to be available for?

Britney Spears must complete three joint counseling sessions with ex-husband Kevin Federline by their next hearing date of Oct. 26, a court ruled Wednesday.

The commissioner specified that “a missed [drug] test, refusal to submit to a test, or failure to respond to the testing agency’s call … shall be deemed by the court as a failed test,” the documents read. Spears, 25, is still expected to complete twice-weekly random testing for drugs and alcohol.

A source told the Los Angeles Times that Spears reportedly slept through two random drug-test appointments. Another time, Spears was unavailable to be tested at home.

Britney also has to complete three individual counseling sessions before the next hearing. “Yer office is really nice, is this where you shrink mah head?” On a sad note, Britney’s Mom Lynne Spears had something to say. Keep reading.

(Splash)

All kinds of celebrities are speaking out about Britney Spears and her current woes. Dr. Phil’s reaching out to her on his show, the “American Idol” judges have long since made it known that they’d love to give her a helping hand (although, note to Paula, charity begins at home) and Timbaland has suggested some tough love be dished out to the starlet who got too ” big-headed” for her own good and should try to “humbly humble herself.” But, I think my favorite offer has come from D-list Queen Kathy Griffin, who said the following:

“I would like her to just wash her hair. I’m gonna start small.”

Meanwhile, shampoo or no, Britney’s moving forward with the promotion of her new single, “Gimme More,” preparing for the release of the video for the song. It’s set to premiere on MTV’s TRL on Monday at 3:30PM ET. I’m thinking it’s safe to say that a good hunk of the budget probably went to special effects to keep Britney from looking like the listless Britney avatar to which we were subjected at the 2007 VMAs.

(WENN)

More photos of Ms. Spears are after the jump.

Is this guy on a crusade? How come he didn’t say anything before? Is there a money wish in here somewhere? Of course there is - that harpy Gloria Allred is involved. Britney Spears’‘ former bodyguard has filed a child abuse report against her. If you’ll recall, he was the one who fired for not picking up her hat. It probably had her wig in it and he didn’t want to touch that Tribble!

Former bodyguard Tony Baretto has filed an official child abuse report against Britney at the Los Angeles Department of Child and Family Services.

In the meeting he told social workers about what he had witnessed while he was employed by the star.

Speaking at a press conference, Baretto’s lawyer Gloria Allred said: “We have filed a child abuse referral,”

“It is our belief that the agency will conduct an investigation.”

There’s not a lot of details about what he claims she was doing to them. Though I would wager “neglect” could be a form of abuse. Or making them clean her ashtrays. Or using them AS ashtrays. Or running around naked in front of em’. Cause’ let’s face it, the “Oops, I Did It Again” muscle tone days sailed from this shore long, long ago.

(WENN)

Here’s childless Oreo Double Stuff off on a burrito run or something. She keeps running around, checking into hotels, and tanning. GO HOME. STAY AT HOME. Stop working out your mentality for every camera that turns your way. Your single is doing well. Focus. If you want to get the kids back, stop being a douche nozzle. Get it together, chica! And check this out. It’s not just chubby bloggers giving her advice. Even crackheads are stepping up! Crackhead and “Rescue Me” star Tatum O’Neil has some advice for Britney Spears.

“I relate to her and feel really sad for her,” O’Neal said, adding that she had similar experiences as a young mother. “I did everything … that she doesn’t want to do. I did the drug testing. … It was very humbling. … I wanted those kids in my life.”

Spears needs treatment and she needs to shield her children from media attention, O’Neal said.

This bitch lost her kids with John McEnroe because she couldn’t get off the pipe. Granted, Britney doesn’t seem to be on the crack. My guess is she needs to be ON some pills to get her shit together. But her drugs of choice seem to be cigarettes, caffeine, snacks, sex (both genders) and maybe the occasional toot of powder. In other Britney news, Alli Sims hasn’t left her just yet. She needs to stick around to subtly goad her towards oblivion some more. I don’t trust that one.

(Flynet)

More photos of Britney Spears and her Blackberry after the jump.

It looks like Britney’s not even sure that she should be allowed to drive. But it sounds like that’s beside the point these days, since she’s just been issued a license to kill drive. The California DMV told Us Weekly that Ms. Spears picked up her temporary license yesterday from the Van Nuys office, with her permanent license to be mailed to her within the next few weeks. Britney obtaining her license is just one of a number of steps that the pop star is taking to appease the judge who awarded temporary custody of Britney’s children to their father, Kevin Federline. Now that it looks like she’s well on her way to working toward that goal, Britney now might have a sex-tape to worry about. The only thing that might be her saving grace–a less-than-impressive performance. The 28-year-old man who claims that he and the pop star got it on in Hawaii and secretly filmed their tryst.

“It was just normal sex, we didn’t do anything crazy. It was a little disappointing. It lasted for about 25 minutes.”

Yeah, guy, we know the feeling. Plus, we’ve got a nice shot of her “O-face” right here, thanks. No need to see any more than that.

(Flynet)

True, Britney Spears is sans kiddos at the moment, but believes that she’s doing everything in her power to get them back. A close friend of hers (close enough to know this info, but apparently not close enough to keep her business to himself), Sam Lufti, recently gave People his version of the State of the Britney Address.

“We … signed all the necessary documents that she needed to get done,” he said. Spears, he added, is “in a good mood, no problems, very optimistic.”

He also pointed out that Kevin Federline’s full-custody of the children is “temporary.” Lufti went on to blame scheduling conflicts have kept Britney from fulfilling all of the judge’s requests as quickly as she would like, but that the prognosis for her case for getting her two boys back is “looking good.” Oh Britney, do you even know what temporary means? Let’s see…maybe if I use it in a sentence, as in, “I was temporarily optimistic that Britney would have a comeback…until the VMAs.”

Our 24-hour Britney watch continues. Britney Spears’ next move after handing her kids over to K-Fed’s bodyguards yesterday afternoon was to put on a napkin for a skirt and check into a Beverly Hills hotel. You know she did this because workers are already turning the kids’ rooms into a pole dancing stage and another pantry to hold Lil’ Debbie snack cakes respectively.

An ass-flashing Spears showed up to the Peninsula Hotel last night, where hotel security flanked the popwreck and tried to chase away any photogs who ventured onto the property.

Seriously the skirt was a toilet paper square. Medic! Keep reading for more details as to why she’s currently childless (and loving it).

(WENN)

Why did Britney Spears lose her kids, you ask? Ok, you didn’t ask that and stop laughing! It’s not exactly for the reasons you think. Because there’s plenty of dumpster moms out there and they retain their spawn and their spawn grows up to be as dumpstery. Britney lost her kids because she was told to do a bunch of stuff to keep them by L.A. County Commissioner Scott Gordon and didn’t.

Spears was ordered to meet with a drug counselor — she didn’t do it.

Spears was ordered to submit to drug testing — she didn’t do it.

Spears was ordered to enroll in parenting classes — didn’t do it.

Spears was also required to sign the judge’s order — again, she didn’t.

AND both her and K-Fed were told that they shouldn’t be driving their children around without a valid California driver’s license. And then Commissioner Gordon (BATMAN!) saw footage of Britney tooling around with the kids looking for chow last week. A monkey on a unicycle is more authorized to drive on the Los Angeles freeways than her. And there ya have it. So - mentally ill or did this scary bitch do it on purpose to divest herself of two burdens? Mark my words, those two are going to be on Shiloh Jolie Pitt’s talk show talking about why they’re crossing dressing neo nazis because of their mom in 2047.

(Flynet)

(INF)

In a completely unshocking turn of events, Britney Spears done lost them kiddies.

L.A. County Superior Court Judge Scott Gordon issued an order today stating that Kevin Federline, the boys’ father, “is to retain physical custody of the minor children on Wednesday, October 3, 2007 at 12:00 PM until further order of the court.”

Holy shit. This is gonna be the ultimate Francis Farmer moment on top of her Francis Farmer moment collection. What the hell is she gonna do all day? Who’s going to tell her to put some pants on and where the house is? You know those kids stepped up a long time ago and started trying to help her crazy ass out. Until they finally had to crawl to the courthouse and say “Look, judge - Dad’s a scrub but he knows where his house is. Let’s get crucial.” Stay tuned.