• Mischa Barton learns that mixing “antibiotics and a shitload of alcohol” might not actually be a good idea.
• How do you fall down the slippery slope of “totally fine” to “coked up underage car-crasher?” Clearly a photo montage will have all the answers.
• Meanwhile, Entourage pisses off the diversity police by failing to feature […]

• Cameron Diaz isn’t going to kill Jessica Biel at the MTV Movie Awards. She’s just going to kick her (gigantic!) ass.
• Pamela Anderson finally opens up to her kiddies about being a dirty, dirty porn star. Next step: explaining what those giant fun-bags are really made of!
• Mischa Barton was hospitalized over the weekend. […]

• “Yesterday, Rosie [O’Donnell]’s chief writer, Janette Barber, was allegedly escorted from the building after she was caught drawing moustaches on photographs of [Elisabeth] Hasselbeck that hang in the “View” studios.”
• Jessica Simpson totally ‘freaks out’ Leonardo DiCaprio by stalking him at Hotel Du Cap on Saturday night.
• Meanwhile, in other celebrity stakeout news, “Mrs. […]

• Only days after turning to the Bible for comfort, Paris Hilton does what any other future jailbird would do: she consoles herself with Happy Feet. Related: Rich heiresses shop at Blockbuster; eschew pricey Netflicks membership fee.
• Anna Nicole Smith’s 40-something ugly duckling of a sister vows to keep the Smith tradition of giant fake […]

• 50 Cent announces he’ll be leaving the music biz to focus his energies entirely towards his one true passion: getting shot.
• Orlando Bloom is ready to fall in love, still hoping against hope that he’ll find Mr. Right an awesome new girlfriend.
• Kanye West: “I’ve known my mom since I was zero years old. […]

• Anne Heche’s future ex-hubby describes her as “delusional.” Shocking! Until we remembered Anne’s autobiography (entitled Call Me Crazy) in which she admitted to having an alter-ego named “Celestia,” who was the half-sibling of Jesus. Yeah…

• At the Maxim Hot 100 party, Ice T and his stripper wife discover they’re officially less important than Hilary and Hayley Duff. Ouch.

• Michael Moore almost (but not quite!) convinces us that he’s a good samaritan.

• Rosie O’Donnell attempts to win over Bob Barker (and steal his hosting gig) by challenging him to a one-on-one Plinko game. Kinky!

• Rapper Nas demands KFC, Snapple, blackberries and three BMW X5 4×4’s at every show. Which we totally get. Except for the blackberries.

• Anne Heche’s future ex-hubby describes her as “delusional.” Shocking! Until we remembered Anne’s autobiography (entitled Call Me Crazy) in which she admitted to having an alter-ego named “Celestia,” who was the half-sibling of Jesus. Yeah…
• At the Maxim Hot 100 party, Ice T and his stripper wife discover they’re officially less important than Hilary […]

• Paris Hilton gets her sentence halved for “good behavior.” Which, apparently, means “smoking joints at Coachella and showing up hungover to court.”

• Lindsay Lohan and fling-of-the-week Calum Best shock no one, wake everyone by having a screaming, crazy-person fight at the Soho Grand.

• Ever wondered how to avoid racial profiling on the Craigslist meet-market? Now’s your chance!

• Meanwhile, Calum gets the “Best” of Lindsay by unapologetically using her cash to lure other chicks back to his hotel room.

• Actress Jenna Fischer slips, falls and fractures four bones in her back. The good news is, The Office will go on! Oh, and that Jenna will be fine.

• That girl from That 70’s Show may be dating that guy from Sex and the City who was way too young/attractive for Samantha.

• And Gatecrasher has us wondering “which jet-setting married celeb has finally been banned from that Los Angeles hotel where he is infamous for hitting on male masseurs? No one wanted to handle his flabby back and wait for the inevitable come-on.”

• A teary-eyed Cameron Diaz is visibly relieved to learn that Kate Hudson never slept with Justin Timberlake.

• Meanwhile, Justin flies Jessica Biel to London for a U.K. booty call, and actress Sallie Toussaint characterizes “Timberwuss” as “quite the fairy.”

• Bruce Willis can’t seem to find any suitable middle-aged things to date. Possibly because twenty-something models are hotter.

• Hip hop star R. Kelly says his greatest competition is…R. Kelly! Fortunately for R. Kelly, we hear The Other Guy’s a total pedophile!

• Remember that paparazzo who jumped on Lindsay Lohan’s car and then claimed she ran him over? Yeah, that guy’s suing.

• Lindsay Lohan’s pal has been slutting around with her sort-of boyfriend!

• Turns out, Cameron Diaz did not enjoy her very public breakup with Justin Timberlake.

• Hardworking single mom Pamela Anderson takes a break from parenting to bump and grind with a tattooed K-Fed lookalike.

• Meanwhile, former NBA legend Michael Jordan’s “game” has severely deteriorated; the baller was recently spotted throwing himself at uninterested women and introducing himself as “Leroy.”

• Barbara Bush pisses off her twin sister by earning the nickname “presidential pixie” and fitting into “tight jeans and a sexy top.”

• Anna Nicole Smith’s outdated, legally unrecognized will had her leaving custody of her now-deceased son to Howard K. Stern. Which totally explains why Stern should become executor of her estate, inherit her massive fortune and gain custody of Larry Birkhead’s daughter, Dannielynn.