A daffy-looking Lindsay Lohan has conflicting reports about her current whereabouts swirling around. X-17 is saying that she has exited the Cirque Lodge rehab in Utah, where she’s been holded up f*cking in bathroom stalls, testing positive for cocaine and nature hiking since early August. I’m sure she’s cured. And headed right for her drug dealer’s bungalow on Venice Beach. Probably followed by Dina Lohan and camera crew. The cycle begins anew, kids. But at least we might have someone to write about besides Britney next week. But wait! TMZ is claiming otherwise!

Sources tell TMZ that Lindsay is in family therapy all this week at the Cirque Lodge in Orem, Utah — with her father, Michael Lohan. We’re told she will be returning to L.A. soon — for some minor dental work. But the plan is: when Lindsay’s choppers get fixed, she’ll return to Cirque.

Someone issue an Amber Alert so we can find this mess. We need to know where she is at all times! Our pills aren’t safe! And neither is that porcelain doll I picked up in Cancun that’s secretly made up of cocainya! Wait, I didn’t say that.

(Flynet)

Perhaps she’s worked her way through the young Hollywood dating scene, has exhausted her romantic possibilities in rehab and now has her sights set on snagging a college boy. I mean, I can’t think of any other reason that Lindsay Lohan could possibly want to attend college. Unless it’s because she’s heard the drugs on campus are something special. It can’t be because she might actually want to…(GASP!)…learn something–can it? According to a FOX News source, it is.

“She’s looked into a few institutions on the east coast and will most likely major in something like psychology. At this stage, NYU is a hot favorite.”

I love that “something like psychology” bit. I can just see Lindsay sharing a cigarette with another college student, who asks her her major. “Oh, you know, something that ends in ‘ology’…I think.” Also, let’s discuss her appearance in these pictures for just one moment. Yes, she’s smiling and giving us the peace sign, but the effect quite as carefree as I feel she had intended. It’s a bit more “desperately happy” and “very, very yellow.”

(Flynet)

More photos of a mellow yellow Lindsay Lohan are after the jump.

Seriously, where’s the shawl and tambourine? And the roadie blowing coke up her ass? True story. Is she gonna sing “Rihannon”? Will she leave the guitarist for the drummer? Here’s Lindsay Lohan after the glitter has long faded. It’s been a dysfunctional family reunion, because she’s been caught reuniting with her father, Michael Lohan. Who keeps the trash trashy by once again bad-mouthing his ex-wife Dina. Weren’t they court-ordered to stop cutting each other up in public?

Speaking to the Insider, Papa Lohan says about his reunion with rehabbed actress: “I can’t even say how great it’s been.

“Dina, though, is painting this pretty picture for the media [that she’s happy about Lindsay’s relationship with me], but what she’s doing and saying behind the scenes is a totally different thing.”

Close your mouth. You’ve achieved your goal of weaseling your way back into your braindead little tramp of a daughter’s life. If this was your actual intent, you will shut up and enjoy it. But it wasn’t. Because you’re as fame-mongering as her and your ex-wife. Just be quiet, and hunker down with Linds over a rail and enjoy Boogie Wonderland while it lasts. Because I’m guessing she’s not going to be getting that many jobs after this. She’s not Robert Downey Jr. So you might have to get an actual job to afford blow, Groupie Dad.

(Flynet)

More photos of Lindsay and Michael Lohan hanging out after the jump.

It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown! No, it’s just Lindsay Lohan in a pumpkin patch. She’s being a drug-addled hooker for Halloween. Reportedly, she’s tested positive for coke. In rehab. Well, communing with squirrels and banging people’s husbands can get boring!

Lindsay Lohan’s planned release from the Cirque Lodge rehab clinic has been blocked after she reportedly tested positive for cocaine, NW magazine reports. It’s also been alleged that the star has smelled of booze on several occasions.

The troubled actress was supposed to have completed her stay at the Cirque Lodge rehab clinic in Sundance, Utah, last week after nearly two months of intensive therapy. Insiders say cocaine isn’t the only drug she’s taken during her time at the facility, with the actress said to have mixed diet pills with anti-anxiety medication in a bid to get a high.

“I think she’ll take whatever pills they allow her,” says an insider. “It’s obvious to me she’s high because she acts loopy and can’t seem to walk in a straight line!”

Well, she walked in a straight line to the front of that guy’s trousers! That should have been her sobriety test. Linds can find a crotch in about two seconds flat. And then she can bend over a urinal and use it! How come that isn’t taken into consideration?

(Flynet)

Lindsay Lohan seriously destroyed that marriage in rehab. When all the beauty of Utah, and the nature walks and contemplating by streams and stuff got too goddamn boring, she started trolling for testicles. And she found em’ in some band guy named Tony Allen. Who had a wife. Or, used to.

A friend of Tony’s wife, British heiress Stephanie Allen, said her pal’s devastated. She’s had it, period. They tried forever to have kids. She went through IVF three times and suffered two miscarriages, and when they finally got two beautiful babies, he hooks up in rehab with a girl half his age. All Stephanie wanted was for him to be a good husband and father.

For his part, Tony, who has since left the Cirque, denies the claims. We’re great friends. We share a common affliction, and we just talk about life sometimes. But a newspaper cites reports of Tony bragging to friends at a bar about the relationship.

His band’s called Dead Stays Alive so you know he’s a total cheeseball because that’s the worst band name ever. Why not just call yourself Chump? Or Destined To Play In A Bar While One Obsese Drunk Woman Twirls Around And Keeps Knocking Over My Mike Stand And The Barkeep Won’t Turn Down The Sox Game Forever?

(Flynet)

Lindsay Lohan’s father, Michael, is just so intensely earnest these days, that I find myself wondering if he’s still the same old nut job we know and love to hate, or if he genuinely has found Jesus and is as obsessed with being a good father as he’s trying to make us all believe. Now, he’s planning on visiting with Lindsay during an outpatient therapy session, after having had met up with his previously estranged daughter during a two-day visit at the Cirque Lodge treatment facility in Sundance, Utah. For his next visit, he’ll be taking Linds to an undisclosed part of the state for their five-day visit, according to the New York Daily News:

“They believe Michael’s the best person for Lindsay to be with now,” one insider said.

“Not only is he her dad - someone with her best interests at heart - but he’s also someone who successfully turned his own life around after battling substance abuse.”

I certainly hope, for Lindsay’s sake, that he’s actually being genuine about wanting to help her out and isn’t simply trying to get the dog-and-pony-show that has been her life until now back on track to making her parents some money again. Which reminds me, remember when all those child stars from the 80s started divorcing their parents? Did our current starlets learn nothing from their predecessors? Seriously, it’s like basic Hollywood History 101. I don’t expect them to know superfluous information like when the country was founded, but at least they should keep track of stuff that actually pertains to them. Like the two Coreys.

(Flynet)

More photos of Lindsay Lohan enjoying a smoke in the rain are after the jump.

Rehab is a fantastical place where there’s bathroom stalls to have sex in, and drugs to smuggle in, and books to pretend to read so the paps think you’re learning something, and a beauty regimen to follow. Here’s Lindsay Lohan and the poor woman who has to work on her feet. You know she’s finding crack dust in between those toes. I can’t wait to finally hit bottom so I can experience this damn vacation she’s on.

More of Lindsay Lohan out in the wild after the jump.

The rumor was out that Lindsay Lohan was scheduled to be wrapping up her stay at the Cirque Lodge rehab center in Utah by this weekend, but her mother, Dina Lohan, has said that this is not the case. People magazine reports:

“Not true,” Dina Lohan, 45, told Access Hollywood in an e-mail, “staying in Utah.”

A source close to the star also tells PEOPLE: “Lindsay is not leaving Cirque Lodge in Utah any time soon. She has a few more weeks to grow and develop, and she is doing great.”

I have to say that the fact that she seems to be staying longer this time makes me hope that she’s in it for the long haul this time. I know, I know, I’m as much of a big, fat grinch as the next blogger, but this is a young woman’s life, after all. But, I do have no problem laughing at the fact that Lindsay stole Steve-O’s coke. The “Dumbass” “Jackass” star told Howard Stern that the now-rehabbing starlet once took his bag of cocaine after saying she’d forgotten her wallet at his house. God, he’s such an idiot–does he really need to be gambling with those last two brain cells anyway? Once again, kudos, PETA.

(WENN)

There’s word that Lindsay Lohan might be getting out of the joint. Well, why not? She’s already slept with everybody’s husband. What else is there to do? What do you mean get sober? You’ve obviously never been to rehab, novice!

Lindsay Lohanis about to be a free woman. A pal of the recovering actress tells us she is set to leave rehab this weekend.

Lohan has been staying at the Cirque Lodge in Sundance, Utah, since the first weekend in August. She was infamously carrying cocaine in her pocket during a July DUI bust, and later tested positive for the drug.

Asked where she was headed on her release, the pal responded, “I don’t think she knows yet.”

She doesn’t know because she’s high as a damn kite. She probably think she’s going back to Bag End. All she’s been doing for the past couple of months is bang in bathroom stalls and sneak lines. She probably thought she was in L.A. and Al Gore finally put in motion the idea she sent him for a smog removal machine that ran on love.

The wife of musician, Tony Allen, is naming Lindsay Lohan as a reason for the destruction of her marriage. The two met and claim they simply became friends while both Linds and Tony were staying at the Cirque Lodge treatment facility in Utah last month. Stephanie Allen has filed legal papers, which indicate that the rumored romantic relationship that developed between Lindsay and Tony resulted in the bonds of marriage being “irretrievably broken.” According to the affidavit from Stephanie:

“After my husband’s return from said rehabilitation I was bombarded by telephone calls alerting me to the fact my husband’s conduct with another woman was on the internet and in gossip magazines.

“I am in fear for the safety and well being of my family including my children.”

And, as we can see from the way Lindsay appears to be suspiciously examining this FedEx package, she probably lives with the daily threat of having human feces mailed to her. I’m not saying I know something you don’t, but people do some crazy stuff when you sleep with their husband.