I’m usually not that big of a fan of watching crusty and often bitter, David Letterman, but I have to give the old guy much props for grilling Paris Hilton on her most recent appearance on his late night talk show. But then again, few things make me happier than watching someone making Paris Hilton visibly uncomfortable. I especially enjoy his referring to her eating vegetables to ward off scurvy, which I’m sure she completely did not understand. At one point, Paris announced that she was going to move on to the next subject, telling Dave, “I don’t really want to talk about it anymore.” Anyone else probably would have let Paris off the hook, but Dave pressed on, continuing with questions about friends she made while in the slammer, making the heiress visibly less happy to be there as the interview wore on. Eventually, David offered to give her a parakeet as a peace offering, but I hope he didn’t mean it.

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More photos of Paris Hilton’s signature poses after the jump.

Paris Hilton is claiming she’s planning a trip to Rwanda. That’ll happen. She probably thinks it’s a restaurant. Dumbass. She hopes to call attention to the problems over there. Hopefully she’ll get caught in some kind of crossfire. Forget that, then she’ll be seen as a matyr. Can I go instead? We need to prevent that from ever happening.

“I want to visit more countries where poverty and children’s issues are a big concern,” she says. “I know there’s a lot of good I can do just by getting involved and bringing attention to these issues.”

Hilton reportedly will visit Rwanda at the invitation of Scott Lazerson, whose year-old Playing for Good charity assists celebrities and high-profile business personalities in getting involved with organizations that benefit those in need.

Wait, what about the halfway house she pledged to build after she got out of the joint? Huh? Where’s that? Your cleaning lady having a prior doesn’t count as you creating a halfway house, cretin!

(WENN)

More photos of a posing Paris Hilton are after the jump.

(Flynet)

OK, first of all, he’s so clearly not even a real human being. Look at that perfectly-chiseled, expressionless face of his. Paris Hilton has finally just broken down and bought herself a beautiful robot boyfriend. And because the voice recognition technology is a bit behind, she’s telling everyone that he’s some Swedish guy named Alexander von Zweigbergk Väggö, to try and limit direct communication with him. It’s oh-so-obvious. Now, she’s been pulling the string on his back and actually has him spouting such nonsense like how her family is “kind, normal and ordinary.” He’s even saying that Hilton surprised him with her sparkling personality when they first met, as he was introduced to her during his vacation from being a pizza delivery guy, backpacking through Los Angeles.

“I had a totally different picture of her before that. I was impressed she was so focused. I love to be in her company.”

See? That’s how we know he’s a fake. Focused on what? That makes no sense whatsoever. He must be destroyed.

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More photos of Paris Hilton are after the jump.

Paris Hilton did what she does best over the weekend–that’s right, she showed up to help promote a club. The heiress stopped by the Tribe Hyperclub in Montreal, Canada and drew attention from the crowd that had gathered outside the club.

“I love Montreal,” Hilton said as she left her hotel en route to the club. Shouts of “Paris, I love you!” could be heard from a crowd of about 60 onlookers who gathered in front of the St. James Hotel. A black SUV with bodyguards transported Hilton about 100 metres to the club, where dozens of fans had waited hours for her arrival.

I still don’t exactly understand how someone who doesn’t actually do anything can have fans, but whatever. I shouldn’t try to break my brain, trying to figure it out. Instead, I should focus on the strange boy band member featured in one of these pictures, who is wearing all white. I don’t know what’s more disturbing–that his outfit reveals his nipples and underwear, or that he’s holding a clipboard, indicating that he’s actually dressed that way as his JOB.

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Even though I have a feeling that Paris Hilton’s promised half-way house is less than a quarter of the way built and there seems to be no permanent change in sight from her party lifestyle, she recently announced that she does her part to help out those less fortunate, by giving them clothes to wear.

“I have, like, a million clothes and more than 500 pairs of shoes, so I’m going to give a bunch of them to orphanages and children’s hospitals. I never wear something twice.”

Great, exactly what we need–more homeless people dressing like giant sluts. Either that, or–from the looks of these pictures–a bunch of them running around, looking like Elton John.

(Flynet)

More photos of a care-free Paris Hilton after the jump.

Before I launch into some serious speculation about Paris Hilton’s most recent love interest, I have to point out how awesome these pictures are. In particular, this big one really strikes my fancy, and should be named, “Intergalactic Space Bimbo,” if it ever manages to make its way onto a pop-art museum wall. That said, let the dating speculation commence! So, word has it that Paris is now supposedly hooking up with some Swedish tourist named Alex Vaggo. That’s all the info I have on his identity, which makes it sound like a professional vacationer–which would be perfect for Paris. According to a source, who revealed the following to In Touch Weekly:

“He’s travelling through town, and one of Paris’ friends met him and introduced them. He’s really shy.

“Alex is obviously smitten with Paris and is clearly falling for her.”

Now, if you click here, we’ve got some pix of this supposed new boyfriend of Hilton’s, whom Paris finds “really sweet and gorgeous,” according to this mysterious inside source. And speaking of pix, I almost forgot to mention how much I also love the photo in the series right in this post, where it looks like Paris is wearing her dog like a necklace.

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More photos of Paris Hilton are after the jump.

Parties, parties and more parties! Seriously, how many times can I write about an Emmy party? Until they are all covered! THAT is the level of dedication I’m bringing to you guys. So, here’s Paris Hilton, who will never–under any circumstances–win a scratch-off Lotto ticket, much less an Emmy. But the girl does love to party, so naturally, she showed up at Direct TV’s 100 Emmy party. Mel B also showed up, showing her best new accessory–her new hubby–and I have to say that running a close second is her post-baby figure. Tony Kanal from No Doubt was there with his lady on his arm, looking very dapper, although I’m a little over his whole blonde highlights. And, of course, my fave, Mary-Louise Parker looks absolutely stunning in her red sheath dress.

(WENN)

More photos (Melanie Brown, Tony Kanal, Mary Louise Parker, Paris Hilton, Frankie Muniz, Hunter Parrish, Grant Show, Madchen Amick) from the Direct TV Emmy party are after the jump.

Paris Hilton is denying reports that she’s planning on adopting some chillun. Seriously, some kids living in mudpits in Bangladesh heard this rumor and dug deeper into the mud, under heavier rocks and bigger scorpions. Being adopted by Paris Hilton is a fate worse than death.

“Someone just said that I’m adopting four blonde babies,” Hilton, 26, told PEOPLE at Friday’s Kate Somerville White Room Emmy suite in West Hollywood. “That’s retarded. No, I’m not.”

I hope the Special Olympics bobsled team attacks her ass. I can use “retarded” as a derogatory term because the boyfriend works with retarded people. Just like I can make gay jokes. The only retarded person Paris knows is her. And that doesn’t count. I hope a Special Olympics gymnast named Cookie flips and kicks her in the face!

Asked if she’d want to adopt, Hilton said, “Maybe, but I want to have my own children.”

She’d give birth to a scabie.

“Totally just friends,” says Hilton. “We met a couple years ago [and] we’ve stayed friends. He’s been like kind of a mentor to me, teaching me about the environment and what I can do.”

She adds, “I think it’s cool to talk to someone in L.A. who has more to talk about than all this artificial crap people talk about. It’s nice to talk to someone who’s real.”

Oh my god, no one deserves to have a rock thrown at them more than this biddy. Seriously, someone please run her over, reverse and run her over again. It’s not vehicular manslaughter, it’s a humanitarian act.

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Let’s be honest, if there’s anything that Paris Hilton can actually claim that she came up with herself, it’s the phrase, “That’s hot.” And as silly as it may sound, it’s probably going to be the closest thing she has to creating a legacy for herself. So, naturally, the heiress was annoyed when she found out that Hallmark cards was using her image and catch phrase without her permission. The Smoking Gun reports that Hilton has filed a complaint against the greeting card company, claiming that her privacy was invaded, in addition to having her image misappropriated and is asking for $500,000. She’s also looking to have production of the cards stopped, with an injunction, in the hopes of keeping Hallmark from making any more money off her image. The card featured here is one of three being sold by Hallmark. Poor Paris. It seems left and right, people are making money off her idiocy–it’s so unfair, really, when she’s worked so hard to carefully craft the image of a simple-minded, self-absorbed heiress.

Paris is set to star in a musical in London in which she’ll play a chick in prison who hooks with another gal. The show is based on a popular Australian soap opera called “Prisoner: Cell Block H”. The only way this can be any good is if she gets a broomstick attack in the laundry room. Can they craft a song about that?

Paris, who is said to have been keen to tread the boards in the West End for some time, is to star as an inmate in the production set in a women-only prison.

It is believed her character will be involved in a lesbian romp.

The source added: “Paris is keen to stretch herself as an actress so she’s happy to kiss another girl for the audience and actually thinks it’ll be fun to play a lesbian. She’ll also get to stretch her vocal chords and she loves that.”

We know what she’ll be stretching in London, and it ain’t her vocal chords. I’d rather watch “Cats”. I’d rather hold cats and rub them on my face. And I’m highly allergic. Seriously, actual London actors and singers should go on strike. I’d much rather watch a musical version of Paris being led away screaming and crying by the police in more of a docudrama musical. Do they make those?

More photos of a partying Paris are after the jump.