In precedent-setting legal news, a judge ruled today to reduce assault charges against former Creed frontman Scott Stapp, who is accused of intentionally hurling a (presumably empty) bottle of Orangina at his wife’s—what’s the word? Oh yeah, face.

The court’s rationale? “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but an ice cold Orangina will never hurt me.”

Okay fine, we made that last part up. But—as you’ll see—the actual ruling wasn’t exactly much better.

Judge Cory J. Ciklin reduced the charge to a misdemeanor “because the allegation is that Stapp threw a bottle of Orangina at his wife, at her head, and missed and the bottle broke,” sheriff’s spokesman Paul Miller said.

“Based on the circumstances, the defense attorney argued that was not a deadly weapon,” Miller said.

See that? Strapp wasn’t trying to kill his wife by flinging a dangerous (and surprisingly heavy) projectile at her. He was probably just trying to alleviate her sudden and acute thirst, and—in his haste—threw the bottle just a bit too enthusiastically!

Just like Jesus would have done.

Except, you know, for that part about him throwing like a girl.

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