As we write this, we’re looking out the window and salivating over the picture perfect weather outside, currently being wasted on lazy unemployed persons and pretentious NYU students. And so, for your sanity and ours, we’ve decided to kick off a glorious new feature called “Comment of the Day,” to provide a transient glimmer of entertainment for all you working stiffs who would much rather be downing margaritas poolside on the Jersey Shore (while fending off advances from married, guidos named Tony) than slaving away in your cubicles.

Today’s “Comment of the Day” comes to us from Defamer, and pertains to Lindsay Lohan’s Memorial Day weekend—more specifically, the part where she accidentally crashed a Mercedes full of cocaine. And, in unprecedented COTD history, we were unable to pick just one winning entry. The joint winners, below.

“What jerkface calls 911 because someone ran into a curb at 5:30 in the morning?” –Drewheyman

“That coked out bitch is always copying Paris.” –Colonel Mustard

Thanks to both of you for your unique perspectives on Lindsay’s near-death experience! Also, best of luck to Linds on her forthcoming court appearance. We hear saying you’re “really, really sorry” helps, but not as much as offering the judge a giant pile of money and a lifetime’s supply of “Hilton Hotel” points.

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