I can't imagine why this girl is so messed. Her Mom is a fame-hungry stage beast and her pappy just got out of the clink for beating a relative with a shoe. Anyway, Mr. Lohan is saying that he got Lindsay in touch with a drug counselor a week before she got caught motoring around with a gram or two in her ride . Daddy found Jesus in prison (don't they all?) and had this faith-based rehab guy named Jimmy Jack (this sounds legit) call her.

Jack confirms to E! Online that he reached Lindsay on her cell phone as she was on her way to a dinner party.

"I just told her, 'You know, I'm from Long Island, too,' " he says. "And I said, 'I used to run the streets, partied worse than you! I lived a crazy lifestyle, too. But then God got ahold of me.' "

Jack says Lindsay was very gracious, even thanking him when Jack told her he was praying for her. "We could all use a little prayer," he recalls her responding.

"I just wanted to open the door for her," Jack adds. "I told her, 'I'm here for you, your father is here for you.' And she seemed thankful--very, very thankful."

Replace "dinner party" with "coke orgy". That's a sweet story. Why does everyone find God in prison? Is it all the rape? When a straight guy gets it in the ass, it's a whole new dimension of pain and shame right? And then Jesus comes through? Right. Not that I condone rape, but try keeping your ass out of prison in the first place.

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