Only In New York
• Jones Beach to be trampled on by 400,000 people this weekend for the annual air-show. And by “400,000 people” we actually mean “400,000 chain-smoking guidos.”
• New York drivers recieve lowest passing rate on a driver’s knowledge quiz— Idaho recieves highest. Meanwhile, New Yorkers tell Idaho that they pretty much only have potatoes, so they’ll give em’ this one.
• Spiderman sentenced to 150 years in prison. No, not the spandex-wearing superhero—the career rapist and sodomist.
• Construction began on a giant mall in Queens yesterday, which may or may not include a Walmart. Related: developers hoping to turn Queens into “white trash.”
• Efforts to end the city’s illegal cigarette trade will include implementing encoded tax stamps. Smokers reject the new legislation and have rented the Circle-Line to throw a New York Tea Cigarette Party.
• Gallons of a lethal chemical were spilt in an elderly home today. While some merely experienced itchy eyes and flaking skin, one octogenerian “victim” is said to be able to scale walls and move objects with her mind.