Paris is trying to get on our good sides. She would be feeding the poor in Calcutta, wearing a sari right now if she could. She'd probably french a leper.

Paris Hilton has issued the following statement through attorney Richard Hutton:

"After reading the media's coverage of my court hearing, I feel the need to correct what I believe are misperceptions about me. I absolutely realize how serious driving under the influence is. I could not live with myself if anyone was injured or killed while I was driving while impaired. Clearly, no one should -- no matter how slightly.

I am ready to face the consequences of violating probation.

No one is above the law. I surely am not. I do not expect to be treated better than anyone else who violated probation. However, my hope is that I will not be treated worse."

She's really going all out now. Those petitions must have scared her. She really doesn't want to get beaten by a jailhouse dike.

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