Paris Hilton is denying reports that she’s planning on adopting some chillun. Seriously, some kids living in mudpits in Bangladesh heard this rumor and dug deeper into the mud, under heavier rocks and bigger scorpions. Being adopted by Paris Hilton is a fate worse than death.

“Someone just said that I’m adopting four blonde babies,” Hilton, 26, told PEOPLE at Friday’s Kate Somerville White Room Emmy suite in West Hollywood. “That’s retarded. No, I’m not.”

I hope the Special Olympics bobsled team attacks her ass. I can use “retarded” as a derogatory term because the boyfriend works with retarded people. Just like I can make gay jokes. The only retarded person Paris knows is her. And that doesn’t count. I hope a Special Olympics gymnast named Cookie flips and kicks her in the face!

Asked if she’d want to adopt, Hilton said, “Maybe, but I want to have my own children.”

She’d give birth to a scabie.

“Totally just friends,” says Hilton. “We met a couple years ago [and] we’ve stayed friends. He’s been like kind of a mentor to me, teaching me about the environment and what I can do.”

She adds, “I think it’s cool to talk to someone in L.A. who has more to talk about than all this artificial crap people talk about. It’s nice to talk to someone who’s real.”

Oh my god, no one deserves to have a rock thrown at them more than this biddy. Seriously, someone please run her over, reverse and run her over again. It’s not vehicular manslaughter, it’s a humanitarian act.

(WENN)

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